Jackie Wazzock was from Hartlepool, and a complete numpty! He couldn’t concentrate on anything, he had no common sense. He could read a bit, write a bit and tell the time, never owned a watch but he could look at the clock on the mantelpiece, to see whether the pub was open!
A lighthearted story.
I was having a bit of a tidy-up of my mailbox and came across an email sent to me from my late dad. My dad liked to write, he wrote quite a few short stories and was the inspiration behind me starting this blog. In the attachement of the email was a short story that he wrote, which im going to share with you.
Cutting things close
One thing to understand about my dad is that he always cut things very close. A lot of the stories he told were and are purely fictional. However, there was always some point in the story where you’d think “oh… can you say that these days!?”. That was my dad. Nothing intentionally offensive mind, but it’s just the way he was.
Hartlepool through and through
Although my dad lived in Kent, he was born and raised in Hartlepool. A pure Hartlepudlian. My family geaneology shows that hartlepool is in our blood and has been for a good century. So, basically my dad was as common as clarts.
Here’s the story. I hope you enjoy it. And please remember, this story is entirely fictional.
THE LEGEND OF JACKIE WAZZOCK
Jackie Wazzock was from Hartlepool, and a complete numpty! He couldn’t concentrate on anything, he had no common sense, and he could not hold a job down. In fact, the last proper job he had, was as an Air Raid Warden, during the war!
He could read a bit, write a bit and tell the time, not that he had a watch, of course, but he could look at the clock on the mantelpiece, to see whether the pub was open! He had no sense of dignity, and, as an example; last Saturday, Jackie and I were stood, watching Hartlepool United try to play football, when it started to rain.
Jackie immediately took off his cap, folded it neatly, and put it in the inside pocket of his macintosh. “It’s raining, Jackie,…” I said…” why take your cap off?” “Well, I don’t want to be sitting in the house all night with a wet cap on, now do I?” he responded.
Anyway, Jackie and his wife Bessie, entered a competition, from the back of a soap powder packet……and won! Seven days holiday for two, in Egypt! “Ho ho, Egypt eh, our lass…..magic eh? Where is Egypt anyway?” “Ee I don’t know Unny, but our Doctor is Egyptian, and he goes home for his dinner. So it can’t be that far!”
Three weeks later saw them land in a place called Marsa Alam, on the Red Sea coast. It was extremely warm, bordering on hot! In fact, Jackie was thinking of taking his cap and muffler off! “ Bliddy hell, Bessie, this heat is about frying my eyeballs!”
They unpacked their carrier bags and went to bed, quite tired, although Jackie hadn’t had his three pints, before bedtime. The first thing the next morning, Jackie was up and doing, and thought he would go for some sea-coal. “Anywhere that has a sea, must have sea coal”, thought Jackie.
He found an old bike, a coal rake, and a chip pan and set off, completely in the wrong direction…he was walking away from the sea! Off he went, sweating bullets, walking across the Eastern Desert. He eventually took his muffler off, and thought that “this is a hell of a sized beach, bigger than Seaton!” After three hours of trudging through the desert, he heard what he thought were hoofbeats. Twelve magnificent Bedouin tribesmen arrived on horses.
“Why for you trespass on our land, Inkilisi?”
“No no mate. I’m just going for a bit of sea coal. Mind you, this is some beach eh?”
“Stupid, Inkilisi. Sea is that way!” pointing behind Jackie. “You Russian spy or something?”
“No no pal. Me and our lass is on holiday. Just getting a bit of sea-coal, pay for a couple of pints tonight eh?”
“Take him!” And one of the tribesmen threw a rope over Jackie and dragged him to their tented village.
The sheikh was an old man, robed in white with skin the colour of old leather.
“If you are what you say you are, Inkilisi, you should pass three simple tests….” said the sheikh.
“See these three tents, well, in the first one is 20 bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale. You must drink them in two hours.
In the second tent, is a Bengal tiger, with a broken tooth. You must take the tooth out.
In the third tent, are seven pure virgins, that need…..deflowering.
If you pass these tests, we let you go. If not……” and he drew his thumb across his throat!
“Should be a doddle……” said Jackie….” easy peasy!”
Jackie ran into the first tent and got stuck into the Newcastle Brown.
Just less than two hours later, he came out, belching like a Gloucester Old Spot pig, and staggered into the second tent.
There was an almighty noise of spitting, snarling, growling. Then the sound of blows being struck, then it went quiet for half an hour or so.
Jackie came out of the tent, zipping up his flies, yawned, stretched, and shouted…
“Right then, how many of these bliddy virgins want their teeth out then!?”
Told you, cuts it a little close doesn’t it? Still, it’s just a bit of lighthearted entertainment. Sadly we live in a world where you can’t even say “Hello” without offending someone. Alas, we cant please everyone all of the time, can we?
No Animals, or humans were harmed in the making of the story, nor were any bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale wasted.