Saturday, May 28, 2022
EntertainmentIf my washing machine could talk

If my washing machine could talk

Have you ever wondered what your washing machine would say to you if it could talk? My washing machine is now part of the family and acts like it too!

Welcome to the family

We’re a close family in this household. We like to just keep ourselves to ourselves. So when it comes to adding a new addition to the family, it involves a family discussion… unless of course it involves getting a new washing machine.

Now if you’ve read many of my posts, you’ll have gathered I’m proper tight when it comes to money. I like freebies. Most appliances these days are made to be replaced within a short period of time, it keeps the economy going. The same applies to washing machines. I’d like a brand new shiny one, but what’s the point, it’s going to break. So I might as well get one for free, no financial loss then!

A few months back, I set out to get a bigger washing machine, brought it home, and introduced it to the family. It was brilliant. Massive 10kg drum. I introduced him to the family but he just didn’t mix well. He was like one of the kids but much naughtier, water everywhere, wrecked all of the clothes, and stank. Sadly it was time for him to go, no one in the house got on well with him and if I’m honest, I don’t think he liked us. So we offered him up for adoption and he went the next day. I won’t lie, it was no great loss.

Introducing a younger model

We got another washing machine… She was younger, slightly younger than Alfie. She fitted in well. She was very accommodating and had a lovely shiny drum. She was clean, and tidy and didn’t smell. Which was a bonus! The Family accepted her and she started to accept the family. I’m not being picky, but she has a bit of a wobble on her, once she’s adjusted to her surroundings she’ll be fine.

Consider yourself one of the family

Wilma. (That’s the washing machine’s name.) She settled in well so we named her. In fact she settled in that well she pretty much replicates the kids. Yes, I’m comparing my washing machine to my kids and I’ll tell you why:


When we first brought Wilma home, she got a little excited and leaked on the floor. Nothing major and was easily cleaned up. We let her off with that one, but anymore and she’d have had to of had a bottom tray.

Hungry all of the time

I’ve never known a washing machine want clothes so much in my life. I know kids go through growth spurts but what do you call it when a machine wants clothes all of the time. In the morning we feed her a load of clothes. At lunchtime, we feed her a load of clothes. At dinner time she has a light snack and gets fed Mrs. F’s work clothes. On a weekend, she’s fed all day every day, right through until Sunday night! Greedy Gannet!

Cleaning Wilma the washing machine

Trying to get your kids to keep hygienic can be a challenge. Making sure they’ve had a wash and that they’re smelling nice is a chor at times. Sometimes they refuse sometimes they comply… Wilma is no different. She likes to have a good self clean now and again and have a good scrub with a toothbrush in the hard to reach places. Shortly after, sometimes, she spits her dummy out and doesnt want to play. Sound Familiar?

Loves banging around

Like I said earlier, she has a bit of a wobble. It’s not an issue, some machines have a wobble, some don’t, but I don’t judge, its whats inside that counts. When she’s on one and going like a lunatic and spinning around everywhere she likes to bang about a bit.

Open wide

She sleeps with her eyes open. Alfie, my yongest, sleeps with his eyes open sometimes and its scary as hell. Wilma on the other hand, when shes not eating, spinning, getting a wash or banging around does, to be fair, sit there nice and quietly. But when shes asleep she has one eye open and her mouth open. I swear she follows me around the kitchen with that eye.

Talking washing machine?

Ok, I waffled on a bit with the comparison to my kids, but I was building up to the climactic finish.
When Wilma, sits there nice and quietly with one eye open, like sloth of the Goonies… HEY YOU GUYS!! I swear I can hear her mumbling and moan about stuff… for example, the other day she was sat there doing nothing. And as I’ve said before, I’m sure she follows me around with the one open eye mumbling “Oi slave, feed me.” I turn and look at her in panic and think, I’ve got nothing to feed you?

She knows I’m lying, whether I know I’m lying or not. She knows that somewhere in the house there is a big pile of clothes that someone couldn’t be bothered to put in her feeding bowl. I hear her again. ” feed me, feed me”. Im starting to think my washing machine is going to turn into a massive plant and start singing at this point. So I go looking just to stop the voice I keep hearing.

Is Wilma the washing machine A.I.?

I go upstairs and in front of me, miraculously there it is. A big pile full of her food. Again! How did she know that!? By this point, I’m thinking my washing machine, has a name and she can talk and now she actually knows more about my house than I do.

Dirty Laundry

Then it suddenly dawns on me. I’m not actually going crazy. Its just a true fact, that in my house we seem to have a never ending supply of clothes that need washing and I have no idea where they come from!

One final note

You’ve read this article and may well see a comparison to your own washing machine, some of you may not. But before you think it, I don’t sit and have conversations with my washing machine. That would just be silly. Wouldn’t it? Yeah, it would be silly. Really, would it??


  1. There is nothing wrong with getting friendly with your appliances, Wilma sounds like she’s fitting in well. My old washing machine had a little issue and my husband tried to fix it, but it wasn’t appreciated and he nearly lost his thumb! (Seriously, it was a trip to A&E during the first lockdown to have it sewn back on!) So we bought a new washing machine and it sings ‘Die Forelle’ when it’s finished. I think it’s a bit of an ‘old trout’ but I call it Franz.

  2. I think my washing machine would simply whinge at being rammed too full all the time! On a completely unrelated note, I am teaching our eldest how to use the washing machine. Life skills ‘n all that.

  3. This made me laugh. Our last one finally got too old to hang around ours anymore he was just making a mess and was allergic to the dog so we chucked him out on his ear. The new one likes to let you know she’s there. She’s so noisy.

  4. Great Post we also have a washing machine that never seems full however much we feed her. Good job we have a laundry basket that breeds like a bunny!!

  5. Great post. Me and my washing machine aren’t on first name terms, but it has to be said she has a massive influence on my life and we regularly spend most of our weekend together!

  6. This brought a smile to my face and I can totally relate to the amount of clothes that need washing. We’re a family of 3 but I feel like our laundry pile looks like we’re a family of 6! If the washing machine gets a ‘day off’ because we forget to put in a load, then it does feel like we’re playing catch up for ages. Seriously, where does all the laundry come from?!

  7. Ha ha. That one gave me a smile as I enjoyed my morning tea. We recently bought a new washing machine and it has been an adjustment. The biggest thing is the washer has a square door, whereas our dryer has around door. My kids comment on it all the time. But, in the words of Dr. Seuss “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”


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